


Sobbe One Shots

by spacepanda101



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: 21:21 (SKAM), Antwerp, Belgium (Country), Canon Compliant, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Christmas market, Cycling, Family, First Kiss, Fluff, Friendship, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Moving Out, NYE - Freeform, New Year's Eve, New Years, One Shot, Reunions, Swimming Pools, WTFock Season 3, quick, robbe's mum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22543021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacepanda101/pseuds/spacepanda101
Summary: A handful of Sobbe one shots, mostly canon compliant taking place during and after S3.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 12
Kudos: 233





	1. 23/12/19 Maandag 09:00

**Author's Note:**

> This one is set when Robbe moves back in with his mum and invites Sander over. It ended up being a lot longer than I anticipated but hey here we are. It's also my first step back into fanfic writing after too long so please be kind! Enjoy!

23/12/19 Maandag 09:00

The day had finally come when Robbe could move back to his old place with his mum. He had arranged to meet her this morning at 9am by the hospital reception for a change. He had gone to the desk and as the receptionist was about to ask him to sign in, accompanied with a tap on his shoulder, he heard,

‘Mr Izjermans?’

The moment he’d whipped his head around, he knew he should’ve followed Zoe’s advice to bring tissues. Four glazed eyes fell quiet in stun. She stood in a clean set of clothes with a suitcase by her side. Her eyes no longer hollow and bloodshot, her face fuller, and a small smile breaking out her lips. She looked healthy, he concluded. 

‘Mama?’

‘Robbe?’

A skip later he was engulfed with slender arms and a homely scent. He was suddenly a kid again.

Over the past year Robbe had to grow up a considerable amount. What with his dad leaving, his mum in hospital, and exams at school, not to mention the whole coming out thing. He had learned to fend for himself, fake smiles, and build thick walls. But when he fell into his mum's arms, they melted away. Just for a second.

Once they pulled away, the doctor explained to both Robbe and his mum about the following procedure in her treatment. She had tablets to take daily, and weekly therapy sessions, as well as mental exercises to carry her through. After they'd both been briefed and forms were signed, she excused herself to the bathroom.

'Robbe…' the doctor started. Robbe's gaze snapped up from one of the forms he'd just signed. 

'I… We all understand here that this can be difficult to see loved ones battle mental illnesses,'

Robbe narrowed his eyes. Where was he going with this?

'We… Well  _ I _ just wanted you to know if you needed any support yourself, whether it's with your mama or something else, I remember what I was like at 16, we're here.'

A small smile appeared on his face. He wasn't used to having this sort of support offered to him. Nothing when this all started, nothing when his dad left, only Milan and Zoe to probe him when his mum went to hospital. There were a million things he wanted to say. He'd think about it, that he'd already booked a session, that with his mum and boyfriend back, and his exams over, he should be okay. 

But instead he just bit his tongue and hummed an understanding and thanks, just in time to see his mum return.

'Shall we go?'

He and his mum walked back home, to their home, together, for the first time in 4 months. They walked in silence to begin with, aside from the scraping of the suitcase on the gravel and the occasional small talk about exams or the plans for christmas. But there was something on Robbe's mind.

About halfway to the house, he couldn't help himself.

'Mama…'

She seemed to notice the change in his tone of voice.

'I… You… You never replied to the text I sent you on Friday,'

'About your boyfriend? Sander was it?'

He nodded. She shrugged.

'Are… are you okay with it?' he finally asked after a short moment of silence.

'Does he make you happy?' she asked.

His thoughts momentarily paused. Happy was certainly one word for it. He made him feel happy, comfortable, loved, excited, brave, bold. Like he was on top of the world and the most important person on the planet. 

But he summed it up with a simple

'Yes.'

His mum smiled.

'Then I'm okay with it.'

A rush of relief fell through his body.

'You don't mind that he's…' Robbe trailed off.

'That he's… A boy? Is that what you're concerned about?'

He nodded, nervously biting his lip. But she just laughed.

'Robbe, after all I've put you through, I wouldn't care if you fell in love with an aardvark, if it made you happy. You're my son. And I love you no matter what.'

They arrived home and Robbe took the suitcase up to his mum's room. When he made it back downstairs, he found her still standing in the hallway, staring at a frame. As he grew closer, he could see encased in the frame a picture of his mum, dad, and himself, many years back, grinning around a Christmas tree. 

So when he heard a quiet sniff on his right side, he wasn't surprised. Instead he just put his arms around her and pulled her close, triggering the tears to pour. And when it got too much to stand, Robbe couldn't help but draw a parallel between the previous week when Sander had broken down in his arms. Two inseparable beings just clutching each other.

'Oh Robbe,' his mum began after a moment. 'I'm so sorry.'

Robbe screwed up his eyebrows.

'What for?'

'For being like this, for putting you through such difficult situations, for not being a good mum, for being so toxic. You deserve so much better.'

He pulled out of the hug, recognising the words he'd heard not 7 days prior.

'Hey, mama, you… you're…' he started but he noticed her staring at the wall unable to shift her gaze.

'Look at me,' he spoke gently. And she did.

'You're not toxic. You're the best mama I could ask for. Because you're my mama.'

A short moment lapsed as she took in his words, before she gulped and nodded.

'I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that… When did you become so smart?'

He just smiled and shrugged.

'Come. Let's get you unpacked.'

The suitcase mainly contained clothes which they separated into a wash pile and a fold pile. Robbe made a mental note to bring some laundry detergent over when he moved his things back later that day, and also to get Zoe to write down a list of instructions on how to use a washing machine. Once the suitcase was empty, his mum began folding her clothes. He took the case to its usual cupboard and picked up some relatively fresh bed sheets. 

'Oh my, I've just realised we don't have any food in!' his mum realised out loud. 

'That's okay. I was planning on picking up a few ingredients when I bring my things over,' he replied. 

'Oh. What were you planning on making?'

A grin couldn't help but creep into his face.

'Croques,'

She raised her eyebrows.

'Croques? I hope that's not all you've been eating these past few months,'

He smiled and shook his head.

'Zoe taught me a few recipes but I wanted something homely,' he explained.

‘I’ll believe that when I see it.’

They carried on into a gentle conversation as they finished cleaning her room before moving onto the kitchen. And when they did, they made the mistake of opening the fridge.

‘Ugh! That’s disgusting! Did we not empty the fridge before we left?’ his mum exclaimed.

‘I don’t think so!’ Robbe laughed along. 

As they began emptying the contents of the fridge, his phone pinged for a new message.

**_Sander:_** _Hope it’s going well and let me know about tonight! I love you! x_

The message reminded him of Saturday evening. 

After he’d met Sander’s mum, she expressed that she wanted him to move back home that evening. And with Robbe about to move back in with his mum, they decided that it might be for the better. He could vividly remember standing in the lobby of his apartment block, the place where something magical had begun. He had his arms around Sander’s neck, head buried in his shoulder, likewise with Sander.

‘Thank you,’

It was the smallest whisper but Robbe heard him crystal clear.

‘For what?’ he murmured. Sander shrugged.

‘For everything.’

Robbe pulled away slightly to see his face. He couldn’t think of a coherent response. The week had been tough, sure, but nothing that he felt the need to be thanked for. So instead he gently placed his lips against Sander’s. They shared a slow gentle kiss with small movements. Sanders arms, which had been wrapped around his hips, squeezed him closer. The world, to Robbe, melted away whenever they shared such a tender touch. Whenever they touched really, but more so in the quieter moments, when they savoured and cherished every moment, every minute.

Sander was the one that pulled away too soon.

‘I hope your mum will be okay,’ he said in a slightly louder voice. Back to a normal conversation level. Robbe smiled a thanks which sparked an idea in his head.

‘Do you want to meet her?’ he asked. ‘I’m getting the keys to the house back tomorrow and she’s moving back on Monday morning. But you could come for dinner?’

Robbe’s rambilings earned him a soft smile.

‘Yeah, sounds good,’

‘I mean… I’ll have to see how she is, and I’ll let you know,’

Sander snapped out of his daze.

‘Of course. I mean is Monday too early? I don’t want to intrude or anything. Like I’ve been living with you all week so I get-,’ A finger silenced what seemed to be the beginning of a spiral. That finger was quickly replaced with a quick kiss on the lips.

‘I’ll let you know.’

The silly grin on his face told his mum exactly who it was.

‘Is that him? Sander?’

He nodded.

‘Do you want to meet him? I told him he could maybe meet you tonight but if that’s too soon or something…’

Robbe’s mum laughed in response.

‘Why would it be too soon to meet the person who’s made my boy happy? I would love to meet him!'

'Can he come over? We could order something in?' he suggested. 

'Of course he can. I mean I'll have to tidy the place and oh is the vacuum cleaner still working? And do we have any disinfectant?' she began rambling on about all the tidying she'd have to do but Robbe just grinned as he quickly tapped a message back.

**_Robbe:_** _It's going well, she wants to meet you! How's 18:30?_

'Is 18:30 good?' he asked before sending the message.

'Of course! Oh you need to tell me everything. How did you meet- no wait, I want to hear it from both of you!'

He hit send and almost immediately got a response.

**_Sander:_ ** _ Perfect. Where am I meeting you? _

**_Robbe:_ ** _ It's not too far from the academy if you wanted to meet there? _

**_Sander:_ ** 👍

An hour later after having salvaged still working cleaning equipment, Robbe left to pick up his own items from the flat with a promise to return with groceries.

When he arrived back at the flat, his first port of call was his room. He'd packed most of his things the previous day so thankfully there wasn't too much to do. Just bedding and sorting through the kitchen and bathroom. One fully packed bag, and one half-packed suitcase lay at the foot of the bed. He began stripping his bedsheets and messily scrunching them into a separate bag he'd brought with him. 

What he didn't notice while he was doing so, was Milan gently resting on his door frame. Watching the boy he'd taken in 3 months back, just reminiscing over everything he'd seen him go through. What with falling in love, discovering his sexuality, being assaulted, coming out, and everything with Sander after. Milan was beyond proud of Robbe for going through all that and being stronger than before.

'How was your mum?' he asked into the silence. Robbe jumped as he realised his flatmate had been standing by.

'Good. She's doing good,' he said smiling.

'That's great! So you're ready to move back today then?'

Robbe nodded.

'Yeah. Just need to pick up some groceries on the way,'

'That's good…' he trailed off into a strange silence. Something was off. Milan was never the person to let the conversation die. So something was up.

'Is everything alright?'

Milan nodded.

'Yeah… it's just… We'll miss you,' he admitted. Robbe shrugged.

'I'll miss this place too,'

Milan nodded, trying to find a light source to focus on to prevent some surprise tears that were trying to escape.

'Well… I'll let you get back to your packing then. Don't leave without saying goodbye though,' he said and turned to leave.

'Milan-,' he stopped and turned back around. Robbe stepped over his bedding towards the door and without hesitation hugged him. Milan reacted instantly.

'Thank you,' Robbe whispered.

'It was nothing,'

'No. I…,' Robbe pulled out of the hug. 'I don't know what… whether… I just...' 

Milan grinned at his flatmate's stumbling attempt of thanks.

'Say no more. Just call me  _ Guru Milan _ !'

Robbe laughed.

'Okay. Thank you…  _ Guru Milan _ ,'

‘That’s more like it… I’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything,’ he said, backing out of Robbe’s room and down the hallway. Robbe was about to turn back to his packing before he heard his name. He swivelled around to see Milan swinging out on the kitchen door frame.

‘I’m really proud of you.’

To say there had been tears when he departed the flat would be an understatement. And this time Zoe was there with the tissues. The three all trudged to the bus stop - although it wasn’t too far, Robbe didn’t fancy struggling along the streets of Antwerp with 3 large bags. And with tears, hugs, and a yelling bus driver, he was gone and a new chapter of his life was about to begin.

Maandag 18:27

Robbe leant his bike in the same spot he’d parked it last time he was here, and the time before that, both times leading into something eventually wonderful. The not so good things in between were just minor inconveniences.

He got out his phone to check the time. 18:27. A little early but that didn’t stop him from texting Sander.

**_Robbe:_ ** _ I’m by the bike stands x _

Perhaps a minute after sending the message, he felt familiar hands suddenly cover his eyes.

‘Guess who!?’ Sander teased, his hand still over Robbe’s eyes. Robbe decided to play along.

‘Hmm… Leonardo DiCaprio?’ Sander heaved a sigh.

‘No, someone better,’

‘Better? Wow… I mean I can’t think of anyone better tha-,’ Robbe started but before he could finish, Sander had spun him around and pressed his lips to Robbe’s. As a natural instinct, Robbe’s arms curled around his neck, and Sander pulled him closer by the hips. They stood kissing, lost in the moment for a minute or so before Robbe was able to pull away and rest his forehead on Sander’s.

‘I suppose you’ll do,’ he whispered. Sander mocked shock and in response just kissed him harder, determined to win. As tongues entered the kiss, Robbe’s knees grew weak. Hands knotted in his hair, legs as intertwined as they could be stood up, and mouths hungry for more and more.

Sander pulled away far too soon, in time to hear a soft whimper from Robbe.

‘And now?’

It took him a moment to regain composure enough to respond, which was enough for Sander. But Robbe refused to give up.

‘I suppose you give him a little competition,’ he murmured, stroking the nape of his neck, one of Sander’s few weak spots.

‘A little?’ he questioned but with little conviction.

Robbe abruptly pulled away and grabbed his bike.

‘Come on. My mama’s waiting, and I’m hungry. For actual food.’

Robbe’s mum loved Sander. When shoes had been removed and they all vacated to the newly cleaned living room, Sander produced a slightly crumpled bouquet of snapdragons from his bag, which earned him the biggest hug from Robbe’s mum.

About 10 minutes later, with the flowers in a vase on the coffee table, and pizza ordered, Robbe’s mum finally sat down and demanded to hear the story. To which Sander and Robbe happily complied.

They were careful to leave out certain details but the more they talked, the more Robbe realised how far he'd come. How far they'd come together. And the more he began to understand Milan's sentiment of pride from earlier.

The evening was filled with laughter, love, and pizza. At about 11pm, Robbe’s mum excused herself.

‘It has really been wonderful to meet you Sander. You really make Robbe happy,’ she said, standing up and picking up the pizza boxes.

‘He makes me happy,’ he said, squeezing his boyfriend, who’d been lying in his arms the past hour, his face stuck in a smile.

‘You’re obviously more than welcome to stay over if your parents are okay with that,’

Sander shook his head.

‘No they’re expecting me back. I’ll finish the film then head back but thank you very much Mrs Izjermans!’

And suddenly after loud conversation and fussing, it was silent aside from the film playing on the TV, Romeo and Juliet.

Robbe heaved a comfortable sigh and snuggled closer to Sander, if that was possible.

'I suppose you're a little better than Leo,' he sighed, referring to their conversation earlier. He felt Sander chuckle.

'Only a little?'

'I mean he does have an Oscar now…'

Sander sighed, rolling his eyes.

'There's really no pleasing you is there?'

Robbe turned his head to meet Sander's eyes.

'Mm I can think of a few ways…' he said before their lips met. It started out innocently enough but soon enough passion was taking over. Sander's hands dropped to Robbe's hips, pulling him closer. Robbe twisting around and straddling Sander, pushing him down on the sofa. As tongues slipped in the kisses became more and more heated. They broke apart for a moment, just to look at each other. And it was in this moment, Robbe was reminded yet again that he'd made the right choice when he followed the bleached-hair boy at the beach house. No girl he'd ever been with or pretended to like made his heart race the way Sander did. They just couldn't compare. That there was no way something wrong could feel  _ this _ right. He knew that no matter what happened tomorrow, in this moment, in this minute, he was alive, and loved this boy with all his heart.

He bowed back down to kiss his boyfriend and Sander met him halfway.

_ Boyfriend _ . Robbe still couldn't get over that. A year ago he was trying to convince himself he was straight. And right now there was no doubt in his mind.

He smiled into the next kiss and Sander smiled back.

They pulled away at the same time and Robbe lay his head on Sander's shoulder. The two just lay there, squeezed lengthways onto the sofa, breathing each other in and listening to heartbeats. It was peace. And that was such a new thing.

'Hey,' Sander started. Robbe hummed in response. 'We lasted a week without breaking up,'

Robbe chuckled.

'I think that calls for a celebration,'

Sander placed a kiss on his cheek.

'Do you want to go on a date tomorrow?'

He nodded.

'What did you have in mind?'

'The Christmas market’s still on. We could go during the day if you wanted? There’d be more people - it might be safer?’

He furrowed his eyebrows.

‘Safer?’

‘Yeah so… You know, it won’t be like our last date,’

Robbe sat up and Sander mirrored him.

‘Sander…’ he started but felt a loss for words.

‘I don’t want all our dates to end so badly,’ he offered a small smile.

‘That…’ he was still struggling to find the words so he sufficed for a simple ‘Okay.’

‘Have you told anyone about it?’ Sander asked tentatively. Robbe nodded.

‘Just Milan. Have you?’

He was expecting a no, so was surprised when he nodded his head.

‘Who?’ he asked when no name followed. Sander gulped and was struggling to meet his eyes. 

‘Britt,’ he said after what felt like an eternity. And suddenly so many things clicked into place.

‘Is that why… At the party...?’

His boyfriend nodded, no longer trying to look at him.

So many thoughts raced through Robbe’s head. There was so much he wanted to say, so many questions. But he also knew that it wouldn’t help. Instead he shifted himself so he was sat next to Sander with an arm around him.

‘What did she say?’

He gave him time. That was something he’d learnt, not just from this past week but from his mum too. Time sometimes passes differently in your head than in real life.

‘She said what did I expect? I should’ve known better than to give into this fucking disease. To kiss a boy in the streets of Belgium at night. That it’d be better to leave you alone and not let you get caught up with my craziness,’

‘She said that?’

He nodded.

‘She convinced me after you called to go to the party and to try to forget but I couldn’t. I think she knew you’d be there,’

‘She  _ knew _ ?’

‘Well she knows your friends so that’s probably how…’

Robbe couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He wasn’t the type of person to hold onto grudges, and considered himself a relatively forgiving person. Over the past week the heated thoughts he had about Britt were beginning to cool down a little. But this sent him past where he was before. Purposely breaking them up and causing them all that pain. He understood she wasn’t exactly his biggest fan - being best friends with her ex, who cheated on her, and now he was with her now ex. But he was struggling to have sympathy.

He didn’t realise how long he’d been quiet until a nudge brought him out of his thoughts.

‘What are you thinking? Sander asked him.

‘I'm thinking how much I hate her for treating you like that. You deserve so much better.’

Sander rest his head in the crook of Robbe’s neck.

‘I have something so much better now.’

The moment felt perfect. Robbe desperately wanted to carry on the conversation, he wanted to know why he refused to go to the police. But he didn't want to disturb what they had. He needn't have worried.

'She told me going to the police would make it worse. And I believed her. I  _ believed her _ ,'

'Hey…' Robbe whispered, rubbing his back. 

'Do you still want to go?'

'It's too late. It was what? Over a month ago? They'll ask us why we didn't come forward sooner,'

'Then we'll explain that we didn't feel ready,'

Sander wasn't convinced.

'I mean, surely reporting it, even if they can't catch them, is worth something? If it happens again to someone else,’

He eventually nodded.

‘I’ll think about it,’

‘Thank you,’ Robbe whispered. That was probably the best he’d get for now. So he brought his other arm around and Sander leant into his body. He kissed his boyfriend’s head gently before returning his attention back to the screen to catch the final scene of the film.

They sat in silence until the screen returned to the DVD menu and a ping from Sander’s phone brought them back to reality. He groaned.

‘I have to go…’ He looked up at Robbe, who pouted but nodded.

They eventually managed to pull each other up and made their way to the front door. They stood outside, hands and fingers intertwined, not ready to let the other go.

‘Do you still want to do tomorrow?’ Sander asked him. Robbe smiled and nodded.

‘What time?’

‘Um… 11? I can pick you up?’ Sander suggested.

‘Sounds good,’ Robbe leant in closer and kissed his boyfriend.

And they stood on the porch, gently kissing each other, loving every second they had together. The promise of clarity and a date kept them warm as they parted ways. And even though things weren’t perfect, and they may never be, they knew this thing between them, whatever it is, was just right.


	2. 24/12/19 Dinsdag 11:04

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sander and Robbe's date at the Antwerp Christmas Market.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda a continuation from the last one. I promise I have some solo one shots planned! These two just fit well together.  
> Also I did do some research on Christmas in Belgium as I'm not Belgian but if there's any mistakes, please let me know!  
> Open to suggestions!

24/12/19 Dinsdag 11:04

**_Sander:_ ** _ Running a little late - I’ll be there in 5! X _

Sander was beginning to regret not biking to Robbe’s as he pocketed his phone, walking as fast as he could. He wish he could say that he was late because he slept in, dreaming sweet dreams about his boyfriend, but it was quite the opposite. Talking about the attack and how Britt reacted to it, on the one hand he could see how it was objectively good, Robbe finally understanding what actually happened, but on the other, he since couldn't stop reliving the event since it was brought up the night before. 

The pure fear he felt. Desperately wanting to keep Robbe safe. The hatred for the men who pushed them to the ground. The hatred for himself when he couldn't fight back. He could remember the pain, not from the bruises or cuts, but when he crawled his way to an unconscious Robbe. The panic as he tried to shake him awake. The short moment of relief when his eyes opened and his body curled against his own. And the utter sorrow as they held each other, in the middle of the dark alley, shielding each other from any other potential attacks.

The logical part of Sander's brain knew it wasn't his fault. It was neither of their faults. But the rest of his brain wouldn't let him be logical.

The sound of a door unlocking snapped him out of his memories. Robbe stood on the other side of the threshold, wearing the happiest grin. Sander forced himself to mirror. Although now that he was in front of him, it wasn't that hard. 

Robbe launched his arms around his neck and kissed his cheek.

'Hey!' 

Sander pulled him away slightly to kiss him properly.

'Sorry I'm late. You ready to go?' he asked when they pulled away.

'Yep!' he said before calling into the house. 'I'm going now!'

'Okay enjoy yourself!' Sander heard a voice yell. And with that, Robbe locked the door and they were on their way.

'You okay?' Robbe asked after they turned a block. Their hands were swinging between their legs, fingers intertwined. This gesture would've normally made Sander's heart soar and flutter with utter love, and it still did, but he couldn't shake his night. He automatically nodded but he then felt a squeeze on his hand.

'You sure?'

How could Robbe pick up his mood so quickly? Was he  _ that _ transparent? 

He sighed and shrugged, unable to word his thoughts. How could he tell him that he barely slept after what was truly a magical night? How could he express how guilty his brain was making him feel, weeks after it happened? He didn't want his brain to ruin what was meant to be a redo date.

'I…,' he started. A thumb gently stroked his hand and he didn't like to think how much comfort he took from that small action.

'I just couldn't sleep much,' he admitted.

'How come?'

He gulped.

'I… I was thinking?'

'About what?'

The innocent, non-intrusive questions made him want to spill every little detail of his life and how his brain worked. The way they weren’t forcing a proper response, but offering him the chance to talk.

'That night?' he offered. He finally managed to look Robbe in the eye but couldn’t keep it up. His gaze fell back down to his feet.

'What about that night?'

'All of it… I can't stop thinking about it,' he said. 

They stopped in the middle of the street. Robbe took his other hand.

'Do you want to talk about it?'

Sander shrugged.

'Hey,' Robbe whispered, stroking Sander's cheek. 'It wasn't your fault. You know that right?'

He couldn't say anything. Robbe's grip on his hand grew firmer.

'Right?' his voice stronger. Sander nodded and Robbe let out a sigh of relief.

'I know… I mean… I  _ know _ that, but…'

'Your head tells you different?'

Sander nodded shyly, eyes finally managing to pour into Robbe’s.

'That sounds stupid, I'm sorry. Let's just go,' he said, trying to pull Robbe back down the path they were on but Robbe didn't move.

'It's not stupid,'

He pulled him closer and placed the softest kiss on his lips. In between a kiss he whispered once more,

'It's not stupid.'

They decided not to dwell on that for too long and carried on their walk to the market. By the time they arrived, any thoughts of the attack in Sander's brain had been replaced with his boyfriend and a conscious effort to be present.

Antwerp's Christmas market was spread amongst multiple squares and parts of the city, each of them bustling with life. A giant, decorated tree stood proud in one corner of the Grote-Markt, whilst the brightly-lit ferris wheel towered over Steenplein. Colourful gazebos, sheltering the seasonal sellers, were neatly lined up around the squares. Scents of mulled wine, fresh smoutebollen, and chocolate invaded the city, injecting jollity into its customers.

Sander and Robbe stopped just outside Grote-Markt, by the tree, taking a moment to look at it all.

'Something smells good,' Robbe murmured. Sander chuckled.

'Something looks good,' he said, staring at his boyfriend, before giving him a peck on the lips. 

'Come on!'

The two gradually made their way through the market. Stopping at a few stalls, particularly the ones with free tasters ('Never say no to free food,' Robbe had informed Sander as they left the first stall). One stop in particular caught Sander's eye; a vinyl stand. He made a beeline to the box labelled 'British', in hopes of finding a Bowie record. Robbe grinned.

'You have a record player?'

'Maybe…'

'Does it sound better?' Robbe teased.

'Hey,' Sander nudged him. 'It does actually. The recording on vinyl picks up tiny background sounds much better than CDs,' 

He carried on talking about the nuances and comparisons between vinyls and CDs, and different recordings of Bowie's songs. Robbe couldn't help but be reminded of when they first met. How he leant over the shopping cart, in a total trance and not realising how fast he was falling for this boy.

Sander noticed the dazed look on his face and stopped.

'Am I boring you?' he asked with a smirk. Robbe snapped out of it and shook his head.

'No… I just…' he trailed off, unsure on how to explain his thoughts. Sander turned to face him.

'Just?' His breath covering the other's mouth, and one pair of hands finding each other again. The urge was too much so Robbe pecked at Sander's lips before speaking.

'I was just thinking of when we met…' he said.

'Ah revising your first Bowie lesson huh?'

'No, more remembering how you threw me off the trolley,'

Sander rolled his eyes and went back to the records.

They stopped by the Groenplaats to attempt ice skating. To Sander's surprise, Robbe was a natural. And to Robbe's surprise, Sander was not. He didn't dare admit his amusement at Sander iron grip on the fence and Robbe's hand at his first few rounds. After the third round he was convinced to let go of the fence.

'That way we don't have to wait for people in front because I'm not holding anyone else's hand,' Robbe joked. Sander was about to make a smarmy comment when he slipped and almost dragged both of them down. Luckily Robbe managed to catch them in time.

'Ice is such a mood killer,' Sander complained and Robbe laughed.

'Come on. I promise I'm not letting go,' He whispered the latter part, chillingly in his ear. Sander groaned.

'Can't we go home yet?' 

Robbe shook his head.

'Nope. You're going to do at least one round without holding the fence,'

'And then…?'

He shrugged.

'We'll see.'

The rest of the day was full of flirting, window shopping, a bit of actual shopping, and Christmas food. Plenty of pictures were taken, including Sander hugging a Bowie vinyl, Robbe giving a plastic snowman a pint of beer, and, upon the insistence of an eager seller, a mistletoe-themed photobooth. They even went on the ferris wheel in Steenplein twice to get the perfect selfie with the tree in the background (on Sander's demand of course).

It began to get dark, the lights shining brighter. Sander's cheeks were aching from smiling all day. Robbe's mum had texted inquiring when he was coming back.

The two walked away from Steenplein with reusable shopping bags swinging from their sides. Christmas spirit was still very much in the air, almost suffocating, and the two boys walking hand in hand were okay with that.

'What were you doing this time last year?' Sander asked.

'I was trying to convince myself I'm straight. You?' 

'I was trying to convince my parents to let me go to art school,'

'I'm glad they let you. You're incredible.'

He blushed and they fell back into a comfortable silence which was new to Sander. Britt felt the constant need to be talking about something with him, or just desperately needed noise, as if the sound of each other’s breath and their surroundings wasn’t enough. The amount of times he found himself zoning out of her endless droning on about some drama at school. Looking back, he vaguely remembered hearing about the drama with Zoe and Senne, and rolling his eyes at the situations high school students got themselves into. But now with Robbe, they were both completely fine with silence - sometimes they even craved it. Whether it was walking along the streets together, or just cuddling in bed. Words always knew the right time when it came to them.

They decided to part ways at the academy. Or more specifically, the slightly more secluded bike park. Sander couldn't help but notice Robbe looking around for people as he pulled him closer. He squeezed his hands for reassurance before pecking his lips. Well it started out that way, but neither of them could seem to get enough of the other and the first few chaste kisses turned into a longer one, hooking onto each other and pulling the other impossibly closer. 

'Do you really have to go home?' Robbe asked into the kiss. Sander smirked at his desperation but nodded.

'My mama wants me back for Christmas Eve. And don't you have traditions to do with yours?'

Robbe shook his head.

'Other than my papa yelling at my mama for being ill on Christmas… I told you, we don't really have any traditions,'

'Wait, wait,' Sander pulled Robbe off of him slightly so that he could see him properly. 'He would do that?'

Robbe nodded.

'Well he wasn't around last Christmas so it wasn't so bad…'

Sander didn't know what to say. He knew Robbe's mum had been in a psychiatric ward for the past 3 months and that his dad wasn't the most supportive. But he didn't realise it was that bad. And then the thought arose that one day, that could be them. Not that he could ever imagine Robbe yelling at him because of his illness, but the fact that it could mold their beautiful love into something ugly and toxic. That one day, the love in Robbe's eyes might turn to pity. That one day, this could all be over and he wouldn't know what to do with himself. The thought that he might hurt Robbe was one that would never stop nagging him. The thought that he already has hurt him stung hard.

Whether Robbe knew what was going on in his head or not, he wasn't sure. But as if on cue a hand tangled in his hair, pulling the knot of thoughts out of his head.

'And I know this Christmas will be much better.'

As they rubbed noses affectionately.

'And why will it be?'

'Because my mama's getting better, and I now have a super hot boyfriend,'

'Ah should I be jealous of this boyfriend of yours?'

'Completely,'

'Tell me about him,'

'Well he bleaches his hair for starters,' he started, curling a lock of hair around his fingers. 

'And has a small obsession with David Bowie,' Sander chuckled. 

'He makes the best croques ever and even looks hot in a Sint costume.' he was split between grinning at the croque comment and remembering how the Sint night ended, but one glimpse of the adoration pouring out of Robbe was enough to silence the latter.

'He's great in bed and paints my face on a 30ft wall. But the best thing about him, is that he's all mine,'

He couldn't help it. His lips were trembling from a lack of Robbe. They crashed against Robbe's and they kissed, love seeping through every vein of their bodies.

They stood in the empty bike park, making out. The Christmas moon was rising and dusk was settling in. The streets of Antwerp were still lively but it was almost as if the universe sent them all the message to steer clear of the academy for 10 minutes.

A ping from Sander's phone reminded them that not only were they in public but they were meant to part ways. He tried to finish the kiss by turning them into smaller pecks but Robbe kept coming back for more. And he wasn't complaining.

But his phone was.

'Robbe,' he started, between kisses. The boy hummed a response.

'Robbe, I need to…'

But Robbe shook his head and brought his arms down around Sander's.

'Robbe, please,' he said and reluctantly pulled away to check his phone. As he suspected, it was his mum, wanting him to come home.

'I have to go' he sighed. 'We've got family over and a lot of food to eat,'

Instead of speaking, Robbe gave him a quick kiss.

'Okay.'

'Do you want to come over? Your mama too? I'm sure my family won't mind?' Sander suggested, not only because he didn't want to leave his boyfriend, but also because he realised that it'd just be Robbe and his mum on Christmas Eve.

'No, I think we're good with a quiet one this year,' he replied.

'Okay well I'm coming over tomorrow with leftovers. My uncle always makes too much,'

'I look forward to it.'

They leaned in for a final kiss before finally parting.

Sander didn't realise how tightly they were holding hands until it came time to let go, and judging by the light blush on his cheeks, neither did Robbe. 

'I love you. See you tomorrow?' he asked nervously which almost made Sander laugh. Robbe, who'd just made out with him in an empty bike park, was suddenly shy and nervous at the prospect of the next date.

'Yep! I love you too.'


	3. 31/12/19 Dinsdag 20:38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbe and Sander go to an NYE party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while! These are taking a lot longer to write than I expected but I haven't given up. Promise!  
> I did a bit more research for this one with regards to mental health, and Belgium, but again if I've made any mistakes, please let me know! Comments and thoughts always appreciated :)  
> Open to suggestions!

31/12/19 Dinsdag 20:38

New Year's Eve was upon them on a chilly winter's night, and Robbe was cycling as fast as he could to Sander's. He was late. They'd planned to hang at his place at half past, before heading over to Jana's for the big bash. But his mum hadn't been doing so well that day. Just before he left, he'd sent a text,

**_Robbe:_ ** _ I'm going to be a bit late, sorry! I love you! X _

He was grateful that his mum managed to not only meet Sander but also go through Christmas and New Year preparations with no hiccups. But she was unable to leave the bed today. Perhaps it was the stress of the holidays and moving back catching up, Robbe initially thought. But as he brought her breakfast and noticed she hadn’t moved from since he’d spoken to her, he could see that this wasn’t a good day. A year ago, the worry would consume him. Yet now, having lived alone a good year and a half with his mum’s illness, he was getting better at recognising when he needed to be there and when he could carry on with his day.

He had planned to meet the Broerrs during the day but as he was about to leave, his mum came trudging down the stairs. She had dark bags under her bloodshot eyes. The expression she tried to hide from her face was all he needed to know this wasn't a day where he could just carry on as he had suspected earlier. So he put the keys back down and quickly sent a message to Jens, saying that he wouldn't be coming, before enveloping his mum into a hug at the bottom of the stairs. 

He spent the day simply listening to her needs and doing what he can. In the down periods when she was sleeping, he decided to actually open the book his teacher recommended he read over the break. And when she needed him, he was there.

As the evening came about, she seemed to be doing better, the worst seemed to have passed. To the point where she enquired about his plans for the evening.

‘There’s a party at Jana’s place. And I was going to get food with Sander a bit before but I can stay here if you want me to?’ he offered.

‘Jana… She’s the girl that Jens dated right?’ Robbe nodded. 

‘It’s nice they’re still friends…’ she trailed off. Friends was one way to put it, Robbe thought but bit his tongue.

‘I don’t want you missing out because of me. Go on, go on your date,’ she said, smiling this time, giving him the reassurance that she really was okay with it.

‘You sure?’

‘I’m sure.’

He finally arrived at Sander’s place, parking his bike on the fence, before running and ringing the doorbell. Sander opened the door and without thinking, went in for a hug.

'Hey,'

'Hey,'

Robbe happily fell into Sander's embrace. As much as he loved his mum, it'd been a tiring day and he was looking forward to just having fun with his friends and boyfriend.

'You okay?' Sander asked, noticing the hug lasted a few seconds longer than usual. Robbe nodded.

'Yeah, sorry I'm late,' he apologised as Sander led him through the door he then locked.

'It's okay. You're not that late. And the party isn't til 10,' he chuckled, dragging Robbe up to his room.

Once they had entered his room, Robbe flopped onto his bed. Sander followed suit, then turned on his side to face his boyfriend.

'You okay?' he asked once again, gently stroking his face after a chaste kiss. Robbe sighed and shrugged, the best he could lying down.

‘My mama hasn’t been feeling well today,’ he admitted. Sander’s hand dropped from his cheek.

‘What happened?’

‘Nothing crazy,’ Robbe started, shaking his head. ‘But I think she’s getting mixed up with things,’

‘How come?’

‘She came down this morning and told me that Papa was walking out on us, but that happened like a year ago,’

‘Did she dream about it then you think?’

‘Well I did to begin with. But I checked with him just to make sure there wasn’t anything else...’

‘And there was?’

Robbe nodded, heaving out a shaky sigh. He kept opening his mouth, trying to find the right words.

‘He… My… She’s been texting him, saying that she wanted the three of us to have dinner. She wanted it to be a surprise for me because I think I might’ve mentioned missing when it was a fuller house. He said no, obviously, but she was pestering him and was texting him like a lot, and he snapped and-,’ 

Robbe didn’t realise how fast he’d been talking until Sander reached out for his hand, reminding Robbe to breathe.

‘Are you good being here? Like do you want to be with her? I don’t think anyone would mind,’

‘No, she seemed alright when I left. She knows where I am,’

Sander turned onto his back, still holding Robbe’s hand.

‘Is it annoying?’ he asked.

‘Is what annoying?’

‘Her being the way she is… Like her bad days being really bad…’

Somehow Robbe caught onto the fact that he might not have just been referring to his mum anymore.

‘It’s not exactly easy on her bad days. But she’s my mama and I wouldn’t change her for the world,'

A small but real smile formed on Sander's face.

'Seems like you really love her, huh?'

Robbe grinned.

'I also love you,'

The loving look pouring from Sander was undeniable and made Robbe's stomach flip. He leant in for a quick kiss but neither one of them could seem to get enough. The innocent kiss morphed into something much more heated. Robbe's arms found Sander's hips and pulled him flush to his body without breaking the kiss. Lips covering lips, gentle biting, and hair pulling ensued. Two bodies rolled around the bed, hands touching every inch they could reach.

Sander was lying on his bed with Robbe on top, kissing down his jawline, to his ear, his neck. His breathing was uneven, skin on fire. But they had things to do that evening.

‘Robbe,’ he sighed. But the boy carried on showing his love.

‘Robbe,’ he said in a more solid voice. A hum told Sander he was listening.

‘We should stop. We should get some food,’

‘Mm I’m quite happy with what I have here,’

And as if on cue, Robbe’s stomach rumbled, causing him to stop and fall back onto the bed laughing.

‘I don’t think your stomach agrees,’ Sander joked as he sat up.

‘Come on. Where did you want to go?’

Robbe shrugged, still laid down.

‘Some place easy?’

‘There’s a Quick nearby?’ He smirked.

‘So much for a romantic date,’

‘Something tells me you’re not in the mood for The Jane,’

He shook his head. Sander then laid back down next to Robbe, hugging his arms around his neck and front.

‘Can we just lie here for a bit? I don’t care what my stomach says,’

And so they did.

23:37

Music was pouring through the rooms of Jana’s house, friends were dancing, merrily cheering and drinking, saying farewell to the year. The New Year’s Eve party was very much in swing. Robbe had been dancing with Sander in the living room when he excused himself to go to the loo. Robbe took a seat on the couch and was shortly joined by Milan.

‘Hey, Milan! How are you?’ Robbe started. Despite being at the party for over an hour, he hadn’t seen his old flatmate yet.

‘I’m good, I’m good. How are you?’

‘Good,’ Robbe nodded.

‘How’s Sander?’ Milan asked with a nudge. The smile on Robbe’s face grew as thoughts of his boyfriend flooded his mind.

‘He’s good. He’s doing alright,’ he said. He knew Milan wasn’t just making a friendly inquiry. He’d heard all the drama that went on. He was still the only one who knew about the attack and he was the one who got Robbe to talk when he returned home past midnight, the night at the hotel. Who picked him up off of the floor and took him into the living room, and just waited for the words to fall out.

And during the week of Sander’s stay, he’d grown incredibly fond of the pair. What from reassuring the boy that Robbe would return shortly, to playing board games with him, to eventually dancing at a party.

'That's good. Where is he now?'

'He just went to the loo,'

'And um… How's your mama?'

Robbe bit back the urge to shut Milan out. He was trying to get better at not shutting people down as soon as they ask a slightly personal question. He knew Milan was just looking out. So he shrugged.

‘She’s okay. I think. She was doing fine over Christmas but I think it all caught up today,’ Robbe admitted.

‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I assume she’s okay right now?’

‘Yeah she knows where I am and that she can call me whenever.’

That seemed to be explanation enough as Milan then launched into telling Robbe all about his new find on Grindr.

He sat listening for a few minutes, truly hoping that this one would turn out for him. Until he realised it’d been about 10 minutes since Sander had excused himself. So as soon as he could find a break in Milan’s endless stream of gossip, he explained and went out to look for his boyfriend. 

He didn’t have to look far.

He left the living room to glimpse down the corridor when he noticed the front door slightly ajar and a familiar tuft of white hair through the window. Making his way down the corridor, he noticed it was getting close to midnight. He stepped outside and closed the door, careful not to lock it, and went to sit next to Sander on a bench, a few feet away from the front door.

‘Hey,’ he said, picking up Sander’s hand. ‘You okay?’

Sander’s hand tensed in Robbe’s grip.

‘What are you doing? You should go back,’ he said, not able to take his eyes off of the ground in front. Sander’s eyes were frozen and slightly glazed. Robbe recognised this look from the night at the hotel. Not quite as intense but clearly there. And he wanted to hold Sander tightly, and shake whatever this was out of him. But he knew he shouldn’t. Instead he took his other hand and began lightly stroking it.

‘I was worried you’d gotten lost. I’ve definitely gotten lost at Jana’s before,’ he joked. Sander’s grip on his hand was still firm as he opened his mouth to say something. 

‘Britt’s here,’ he said after a few tries. Robbe’s face dropped. He didn’t even think about that when agreeing to go to the party.

‘Fuck - I completely forgot she might be invited. I’m sorry,’

Sander was silent for a moment.

‘Has she spoken to you since…?’ he asked quietly. Robbe tilted his head.

‘Kind of. I messaged her that you were with me but that’s it,’

‘What did she say?’

Robbe took out his phone instead of responding verbally and pulled up his chat with Britt. Sander had a quick scan and nodded.

‘Have you talked to her?’ Robbe asked. Sander looked taken aback.

‘Why would I?’

‘I don’t know, I was just wondering,’ Robbe quickly responded in defence. He then checked the time on his phone. 23:56.

‘Look, let’s forget about her for now. Okay? It’s almost New Year and I want to kiss my boyfriend at midnight,’

Sander nodded and leant his head onto Robbe’s shoulder. The two spent a few minutes just grounding themselves in that moment. The year was ending, the decade was ending. Their friends were partying behind them, and they had each other.

‘Robbe?’ Sander murmured. Robbe hummed in response. ‘I love you,’

His heart fluttered. They’d been quite frugal in saying those words, not wanting to scare the other away in how much and how strongly they were feeling. The words held so much weight that they both happily bore.

‘I love you too, Sander,’ Robbe murmured back. Sander looked up from his position on Robbe’s shoulder. Small yet loving smiles mimicked each other before they met in the middle for a kiss. Pure love and present-ness was seeping into the kiss. In that moment, the only thing that mattered was the other person. Stress about exes, parents, and mental health melted away, leaving two boys, madly in love, kissing on someone’s porch. And they were so deeply into the kiss, that they didn’t realise the year passing by until fireworks started going off

They both instinctively pulled away and gazed at the fireworks.

‘Happy New Year Robbe,’ Sander whispered, leaning his head back into the crook of Robbe’s neck. Robbe grinned.

‘Happy New Year.’


	4. 26/10/19 Zaterdag 12:35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened between Zaterday 08:44 and 13:13. Or what happened between the supermarket and croques.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jumping back in time a little. Some more of Sander's POV (and hopefully reason to give him a season). And also slow updating who? (don't worry, she'll be back next year XD ). Comments and thoughts always appreciated.  
> Open to suggestions! :)

02/11/19 Zaterdag 12:35

Sander was giddy with joy, attempting to suppress the skip in his step as he walked back to the beach house alongside Robbe.

_ Robbe. _

The name rolled off his tongue. He was everything he expected him to be and nothing at all like he'd imagined at the same time. The boy he saw painting the truck, the one he hooked his heart onto to try and cope with Britt, the one he'd accidentally yet inevitably developed a crush on, was walking by his side, still somehow fascinated by what he had to say. Even after he'd accidentally thrown him off if the trolley. 

After reeling off what was probably his 50th interesting fact about David Bowie, he realised he should probably ask Robbe some questions.

'What music do you like?'

Robbe shrugged.

'Um… I like rap I suppose… Like Stormzy? Do you know him?' he said. That was not the response Sander was expecting. But then when he questioned it, he didn't know what he expected. 

He nodded.

'Heard of him…'

A grin crept into Robbe's face.

'Can you name 3 of his songs?' he asked, raising his eyebrows. Sander's stomach flipped at that gesture. But he couldn't let his guard down yet. So instead he shook his head.

'Hey I'm not insisting I know his stuff,’

‘I do know Bowie! Just not as well as you do,’

‘You sure? You did pretty poorly last time,’

‘I panicked!’

‘Alright name one song that I haven’t mentioned,’

‘Um…’ Robbe trailed off, thinking face in action. Sander found this face adorable and wanted to kiss him right there and then. ‘What’s that song… Changes? That’s one right?’

Sander grinned and nodded, but also internally kicked himself for not having mentioned that song yet.

‘Finally, I was beginning to think you hadn’t heard any good music,’ he teased. Robbe playfully nudged him. 

Sander was happily taking his time walking back and it seemed Robbe felt the same. When he stopped to tie his shoelace to buy some time together, he comfortably stopped to wait. Sander was so sure Robbe had caught on to the fact that he was purposefully taking them on detours but the brown haired boy didn’t mention it. Part of him was hoping it was because Robbe also wanted to spend more time with him. The logical part of his brain was trying to yell at that thought, but the rest of the muscle was taking the thought and running with it. 

The November sun beat down on their coats, the wind blew through their hair. The smiles on their faces felt permanently stuck there. And it was the first time in a long time, he’d ever felt this.

13:07

The blissful walk back had to come to an end. They arrived back just before midday, having taken a few detours. Sander  _ may _ have led them down the wrong path a few times on purpose. At this point everyone else was awake. He kept his eye out for Britt, wanting to avoid seeing her. He didn’t want this daydream of him and Robbe, and no Britt, to end just yet.

‘Hey Robbe!’ a voice came from behind them. It belonged to someone Robbe seemed to recognise as he stopped to wait for a tall, brown haired guy to run up to them.

‘Hey,’

‘Where did you get to this morning? Noor’s been worrying.’ Sander suddenly felt a punch in the gut.  _ Noor _ . 

The image of Noor kissing Robbe on the steps by the truck shot back into his memory. He’d forgotten that the two were together and felt stupid for completely forgetting about her. And as soon as a surge of hatred for the girl rose within him, it dissipated. He couldn’t hate Noor. He’d met her a few times and she was a cool girl. He couldn’t hate her, yet something told him he was in for a long week.

‘We went to get some food,’ Robbe replied, lifting up the evidence.

‘And you are…?’ the guy asked.

‘Sander,’ he held out a hand and the guy shook it.

‘Jens.’ His gaze shifted back to Robbe. ‘Moyo’s got the ball out. Up for some football?’

Sander expected Robbe to nod and run off but instead he looked over at Sander, almost as if asking permission or desperately finding an excuse to not go. The kind of expression shocked him so much that he couldn’t find the words to respond. 

This boy, who he’d only properly met not even a few hours prior, who he’d bored with Bowie facts, and who he’d thrown off of a trolley and deliberately taken detours on the way back, wanted to spend _ more _ time with him? The thought set Sander’s heart beating and his head reeling. To the point where he’d forgotten trying to decipher what the look meant, let alone figuring out an excuse. Robbe’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

‘We’ll put these away and join you.’


	5. 13/11/19 Woensdag 21:21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first kiss but written down and extended from Robbe's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said I'd be back! A jump back into S3. This was really fun to write. Every time I watched the clip, I kept trying to imagine the inner monologue of Robbe and Sander so it was nice to actually write it down. I've got a few more during S3 ones coming up before going back to post S3. I hope you don't mind and keep reading (also thank you for all the reads and kudos so far)!  
> Open to suggestions :)

13/11/19 Woensdag 21:21

Robbe was beginning to feel a little tipsy, having almost fallen off his bike on more than two occasions, whether it was from one too many gin tonics, or the pure glee of cycling through the night-lit streets of Antwerp with Sander. 

It was new. Not the whole being into a guy thing. Robbe was no stranger to crushes on boys. He'd even kissed a boy before. But all those just seemed so meagre in comparison to the bleached, Bowie-singing boy. He didn't know what he was feeling. But he knew it was new. And he knew he liked it.

The thought triggered him to look over at his cycling companion who was pulling up outside a white building. He tossed his bike into the bushes nearby and went to try and open the door.

'Sander, what are we doing here?' Robber whispered, dismounting his own bike and leaving it opposite Sander's.

'Come on,' he tried again, walking towards him still struggling at the door.

'One second!' he insisted. Robbe sighed, stay on watch in case someone spotted them.

'Come on Sander. Somebody will see us-,' As soon as he'd started to speak, the lock clicked and the door opened. Sander turned around, as if to say 'Tada!'. But as he headed through the door, instead said,

'Come!' 

'Fuck Sander…' was all Robbe could say as he followed him in. Robbe could hear his heart beating loud and he was certain Sander could hear it. Partly from the fact that they were breaking and entering some unknown location, partly from the fact that they were heading up some stairs with Sander's phone as the only source of light, and partly from being alone with Sander in the dark.

'Where the fuck are we?' Robbe whispered urgently. As intrigued as he was, he was also frustrated and didn’t want to get into trouble.

'Come,' Sander simply repeated. 

'Sander…' Robbe started to say under his breath when they reached the top but was silenced by the sight he saw.

A massive swimming pool, blue and beautifully lit.

'Fuck…' was all that came to mind. It wasn't until Sander started taking off his jacket that he stopped staring at the pool.

'Come!' he said eagerly.

'What are you doing?!'

'What do you think?' He had now moved onto his shoes.

'Its fucking cold!'

'Yeah, it's ice cold. Come on.' 

Robbe thought he was convinced and started taking off his jacket, but hadn’t anticipated how chill the weather actually was.

'Fuck, I'm already cold.'

When he looked back at Sander, he'd taken his shirt and trousers off. For a split second, Robbe couldn't help but notice the shirtless boy's upper torso, or rather the back of it. And briefly imagined running his fingers along the outline of his muscles as they lay together on-

That thought was quickly replaced with shock when Sander took his underwear off and gave himself a run up before canonball-ing into the pool.

'Fuck, no Sander. Don't!'

He could almost feel the cold consume him as he jumped. The giddiness from before returned, but no longer a result of the alcohol. The boldness of the boy fascinated and excited him at the same time. He too wanted to jump right in with him.

'Lovely. Come on!' Sander exhaled when he surfaced. A rush of cold air and adrenaline rushed through Robbe as he shook his head. He didn’t want to admit how eager he was to follow.

'Fuck no.'

It took Sander only two more tries for Robbe to give in. He nervously stripped down to his underwear, a little self conscious to go all the way. But as he made his way to the edge, Sander protested.

'Hey, all the way or no way.'

Robbe rolled his eyes and couldn’t help but admire Sander’s confidence in this all. He found himself questioning whether he was at all interested or simply confidently making a friend. After all, what they’d done tonight was all platonic right? It was one friend helping another friend deal with girl drama.  _ Noor _ . He had completely forgotten the reason he ended up spending the evening alone with Sander within five minutes of leaving the pub. And almost as quickly she entered his mind, she was quickly replaced by memories of the week at the beach with Sander. The looks they’d shared during that week made his stomach flip and he finally understood the concept of “butterflies”. 

He complied with Sander’s request, and anxiously edged closer to the pool. Just before he jumped, something was telling him that this wasn’t just any jump, but it was going to be  _ the  _ jump. The jump into a new chapter of his life.  _ The  _ jump.

Perhaps it was the idea of being completely naked in a public swimming pool beyond hours with a boy he had developed an intense crush on, or perhaps it was the burning splash on his skin, but as he broke into the water, the ice between them cracked further. 

'Fuck! That's cold!' he cried as he resurfaced, frantically swimming about.

'It's not that bad,' Sander insisted, swimming over, but Robbe's paddling persisted. 'Can you even swim dude?'

Robbe would be lying if hearing Sander call him 'dude' didn't sting a little. But he didn't miss a beat.

'Fuck you. I can swim better than you!'

'Yeah? I don't believe it,'

'I can easily swim to the otherside underwater!' Despite his insistence, Robbe had a constant smile on his face, playfully splashing some water in his face.

'Yeah? Okay you know what, we'll make a bet.' 

'Okay,' 

'To the longest underwater,'

'And what does the winner get?'

'That's up to the winner. So me,'

'Fuck you, I'll kill you,'

'On three,' Sander offered. He'd unlocked the mischievous and childish side of Robbe, a side that hadn't been around for a while. And this caused Robbe to quicken the countdown to try and trip up his opponent.

'And, three!' 

Although he had his eyes closed, he couldn't help but admire the freedom underwater. It was a whole other world where anything could happen with no consequences. He considered the things he’d want to do in the world. And right now, first on his list, was kissing Sander. That was shortly followed by wanting to yell at his dad and his friends for not listening, and wanting politicians to take climate change seriously

It was almost as if the bleached boy could read his thoughts. Robbe suddenly felt a hand poke his lower stomach and instinctively swatted the hand away, opening his eyes to find Sander staring at him intently. His expression unreadable. Then, before he knew it, Sander was swimming up to him and pressing his lips to Robbe's. Before he could react and without thinking, he quickly pushed away and swam up to the surface, shortly joined by Sander.

'What are you doing?'

'I won!' he exclaimed at the same time.

'Won what? You're cheating!'

'What?'

'Again, you're cheating,' Robbe carried on insisting when in reality, his heart was racing. Sander kissed him  _ Sander kissed him. _ The only thing Robbe wanted now was to feel those lips on his again. And he was desperately trying to find a way to steer the conversation so that they’d go back underwater again, thinking that the freedom of the underwater world would help.

'Why am I cheating?'

'Dude, you can't do that.'

'I win,'

'Fuck you, no. I swear, that doesn't count,'

'That's not a problem,'

'It doesn't count!' 

At this point he wasn't referring to the competition anymore.

In Robbe's dreams, their first kiss was meant to be beautiful, or romantic, or passionate, or wild. It was on the beach, on a rooftop, under the stars, over a candle lit dinner. The weather would be warm. They’d be smart, or casual, wearing something comfortable. Not naked in an ice cold public swimming pool, and he certainly wasn't meant to pull away barely a second into the kiss.

'Why not?'

'Come on. Again.' Now the tingle on his lips had given him a surge of confidence. 

'Again?'

'Again. You count down.' He wanted to kiss him. To kiss him again and again and again.

'On three.' Sander gave them both some time to catch their breath before counting.

'One, two, three,' and with that, they were submerged.

When Robbe peeled his eyes open, that confidence surge was still there. Even if the location and weather and their attire was wrong, he was going to show Sander how their first kiss was meant to be like. It was slow motion as he swam towards him with one stroke. And instead of bringing his hands around for a second stroke, they landed on either side of Sander's cheeks. At the same time, Sander's hands gently slid around his neck and their lips met. 

There were no more hidden intentions, stolen glances, or confusion. It was just them, kissing. It started slow, cherishing every second of the touch. Robbe thought it must be a dream. It  _ must _ be a dream. Kissing Sander, Sander kissing him back, and it feeling  _ this _ good. It couldn't be real. They went in for a second kiss and when they came up for air, the cold air kickstarting the already pumping adrenaline, passion took over. The kisses were hot and quick. They were both trying to touch and hold each other in every way possible while staying afloat in the pool. There was a clear need and desperation in each kiss. A hand knotted in his hair, another looking for a place to rest. When Robbe felt the flick of a tongue along his lower lip, he was gone. This felt good. Beyond good. Coherent thoughts denied him and it was rather an explosion of feeling than anything else. Memories of eating the best croque ever, the halloween party, almost kissing by the bins came rushing back to Robbe and gave him new determination to make up for all those lost kisses.

Just as his mind was beginning to get comfortable and trying to make some words appear, it was over.

‘Fuck,’ Sander muttered, pulling away as flood lights suddenly flicked on. It didn’t take Robbe long to figure out why the boy had cursed as the voice of a guard and barks of a dog filled the air. The two frantically climbed out of the pool, collecting their clothes and stumbled back out the way they came.

Somehow they had pulled their clothes on and were back on the bikes before the guard even made it out, if he made it out at all that is. But the two didn’t care to look back. They were giggling with glee as they cycled away. 

It was 2C° and they were wet through, but neither one of them was shivering. Sander stopped just to the side of the tunnel they'd cycled through earlier and dismounted. Robbe followed suit and as soon as he was off and facing Sander, he was being kissed. Sander's lips covered Robbe's, switching between the upper, the lower, and both. Robbe hooked his arms around Sander's waist and simply accepted the kisses. This couldn't be real. Something he’d believed was wrong of him to feel for so long couldn’t feel this good. Right? He felt like he was floating on clouds and tried to ignore the niggling thought that he'd come crashing down at some point. He still couldn't word what he was feeling. Just an explosion of emotion, desperation, want. He had never felt desire for another person so strongly. It scared him.

'Sander,' he whispered between kisses, trying to get his attention, but the boy simply carried.

'Sander,' he tried again.

'Robbe,' he whispered back against his lips, not understanding that he was trying to get his attention.

'Sander,' he said in a fuller voice, reluctantly pulling away. 'We should go.'

A sad whimper was all he got in response.

'I have school tomorrow.'

A few nips later, Sander finally gave in.

'Okay.'

The ride back was different. The initial euphoria of the kiss was beginning to fade and the reality of what happened started to unravel in his head. Unlike the explosive kiss, these thoughts were slow, perhaps thankfully slow. Robbe told himself he was just enjoying the company of riding home next to Sander, a friend. A friend he'd just gone skinny dipping with in the middle of November. A friend he'd just kissed. A friend he had a massive crush on. A friend he couldn’t have a crush on. As happy and high he was only ten minutes ago, the toxicity was seeping into his brain. 

They finally stopped at a crossroad opposite his apartment block and Sander leant into kiss him but Robbe quickly stepped back. Not only because of these thoughts taking over his brain, but they were also in the middle of a street. Albeit an empty street but a street all the same. But the bleached boy seemed to be content with no explanation to this.

‘I’ll see you soon?’

The hope on his face was difficult to deny so Robbe forced a smile and nodded. 

‘Okay. Good night,’ and with a kiss on the cheek he was gone, finally leaving Robbe alone with his thoughts. And the first fully coherent thought he managed to get out, was that as amazing and giddy as he’d felt earlier, this couldn’t happen again. It  _ couldn’t _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (little question - would you like to see this from Sander's POV?)


	6. 29/11/19 Vridag 21:21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first reunion scene with the much needed lobby-room in between, and an aftermath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spent a lot more time on this one so I hope you enjoy it! I still find smutty scenes tough to write but I tried my best. Comments and thoughts always appreciated.  
> Open to suggestions! :)

29/11/19 Vridag 21:21

Robbe let his thoughts return to the present as he dismounted and locked up his bike after returning from visiting his mum at the hospital. He found himself visiting her a little more often than usual the past 2 weeks, partly to make up for the fact he hadn’t been going too much and he wanted to see her, but also to escape from his thoughts about everything else that’d been going on.

It'd been an interesting two weeks to say the least. He was beginning to come to terms with the whole being gay thing. He couldn’t have been more relieved with Jens’ reaction. He could still remember the sudden lightness he felt from the words  _ ‘Okay. So?’ _ . The conversation he’d had with Zoe, and coming out to Luca and Yasmina (and by extension Amber), were things he didn’t realise he needed. And even though telling Aaron and Moyo hadn’t exactly gone swimmingly, he felt so much better and lighter than ever before.

But then there was Sander.  _ Sander. _ He didn't understand him. Saying “I love you” to cheating, pestering to ghosting, painting a 10ft mural of his face and suddenly liking some old Instagram posts to radio silence. Maybe this was it. Whether Sander truly loved him or not, maybe this was the end of whatever it was they had. Did they even have anything? The soft lips upon his and the fingers intertwining perfectly were quickly becoming more like distant memories. Robbe would be lying if he said he didn't miss it. He didn't miss the pure love when they were making out on his bed, the adrenaline and excitement that pumped through his veins when he dared to hold Sander's hand in the pub, and the utter happiness when they left with a promise to stay together. Could all that really have meant nothing? Was it really not worth talking through or even trying?

As he opened the door to his apartment block, his phone pinged.

**_Mama:_ ** _ Hugs again. _

And then as a reflex he'd found himself doing the past few hours, he opened his messages with Sander and refreshed it for probably the 1000th time since he'd sent it. Maybe this was it. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. He'd be able to move on - eventually. After all, he'd gotten over Jens. Sander might take more time but it'd happen one day. Right?

Just as he was about to give up, and about to let go, he heard it.

'Robbe?' the voice echoed in the lobby. Robbe spun around, wanting to confirm if he’d actually heard it or just made it up again, and sure enough his eyes landed on him.  _ Sander _ . 

The leather coated boy walked up to Robbe, his expression sullen. Robbe’s thoughts started back up and wouldn’t stop. The biggest word that floated to the top was why. Why was he here? Why now? Why did he not reply? Why the mural? Why did he kiss Britt? Why did he not want to go to the police? Just  _ why _ ?

He stopped less than a foot away from him. At this point Robbe could see the dark bags under his eyes, the slight hollow in his cheeks. His presence was almost suffocating, leaden with memories and just having Sander there, reminding him of the memories, of how light and real Robbe felt that blissful Wednesday afternoon was all he needed to forgive him. He couldn't help flicking his gaze between his lips and eyes, trying to decide what to do. Or wondering what Sander would do. A small part of him, the part that instantly forgave him, wanted to just fall in his arms and kiss him silly, but the rest of him knew he needed a reply. A response. A reason as to why it got so fucked up.

Sander's gaze was upon all of Robbe. A new expression developed, nervous. In the little time they’d spent together, nervousness was never a feeling that came up. It took all of Robbe’s willpower to not engulf the bleached-hair boy into a loving hug. It was as if Sander didn’t expect to get this far. And when he couldn’t quite find the right words, he instead leaned in and pressed his lips against Robbe’s. The action was gladly accepted but when they moved for a second, Robbe gently pushed him away before they went further. He knew one more kiss and he'd be gone and would lose all logical reasoning. But at the very least, he needed a proper verbal answer to the text. Him and only him, or nothing. All the way or no way.

Sander rested his head against the lower part of Robbe's forehead, thankful that he wasn't shoved off like he was 3 weeks ago. Robbe couldn't tell exactly what was going on in his brain, but it was clear he was trying to find words. And so he took this time to breathe in the moment. To acknowledge the fact that despite everything that'd happened, and everything that might happen in the next minute, Sander was here. The boy he'd fallen head over heels in love with, was here. He stepped closer slightly so that they were at a more comfortable height, bumping noses as he did so. It was at this point that he realised Sander had placed a hand on his shoulders, keeping them connected. The longer they spent in the moment, the more Robbe wanted to let go. The weaker he grew at the knees.

He didn't realise how long he spent cherishing this touch until he felt the other nose nudging him to get his attention. This was it. This was the moment he'd find out. All or nothing. 

Sander's eyes poured into Robbe's in a way he didn't realise was possible.

'You and I,' he started, 'One hundred percent, forever.' 

Truth was the only thing emanating from his being.

'In every universe.' Robbe almost smiled at the reference to the multiverse theory he'd shared. But the only thing he could focus on was that Sander was choosing him.  _ He chose him _ . 

And when their lips met again, how it took Sander less than a split second to react, the way their noses slotted next to each other, the way they moved in sync and needed no other words, he knew that this was right. This was just so right and meant to be and all that. Not just kissing boys, but kissing Sander.

Before he knew it, they'd spun around and Sander had pushed him against the wall, attacking his mouth lovingly and mercilessly. They both knew where this was heading. The way the feelings rushed forwards and the quickness of it almost felt like simply picking up from their last date. Making amends, a redo if you will. Yet something was different. Before they were giddy and happy and living in a protective bubble. But now, perhaps it was because they’d since experienced Chernobyl together and were then immediately separated, but something about this time was  _ more _ .

After a few minutes, the logical part of Robbe's brain began to wake up, telling him to not have sex in the lobby of an apartment block, and to at least get to his room before whatever was about to happen, happened. So he pushed himself off the wall, guiding them towards the lift and managed to press the button without unhooking his arms from around Sander’s neck. Once the lift opened, the logical part of his brain had fallen back asleep and this time it was Robbe pushing Sander up against the wall of the lift. The kisses moved across jaws and over to ears.

'What floor?' he whispered.

'Four,' Robbe whispered back as the boy reached across to the button panel on the wall and eventually pressing the right one. 

Lips met again and Sander sighed into the kiss, letting Robbe take control of this one. Hands on each cheek, arms around torso, pulling him impossibly closer.

The lift dinged open but as Robbe tried to pull them out, Sander stopped him.

'Not yet.'

Robbe raised an eyebrow.

'I pressed a few wrong buttons.' 

And they looked across to see that one, three, and four had been pressed. Robbe smirked.

'Well I suppose that means more of this,' and kissed him. Again.

A minute later, they were finally on the fourth floor, both grateful that no one had been waiting for the lift. Robbe guided them to his front door. He reluctantly had to pull away as he fumbled around for his keys, which proved to be a lot more difficult when Sander was hugging his waist from behind, peppering hungry kisses on his cheek and neck. The frustration ended when he finally found the keys and unlocked the door. By this point he didn't care if his flat mates were in or to lock the door and just made sure it'd clicked shut before spinning back around to kiss Sander into his bedroom. They didn't even wait for the bedroom door to click shut this time. They were too into it to care. 

Two kisses in and he melted. There was no doubt, no thought, no nothing in his head that wasn't Sander. That wasn't about having Sander. He wanted to say his name over and over again. Coats and jackets were shoved off, shirts flung on the floor, neither paying attention to anything but each other. Accepting a tongue-full kiss, Robbe pushed Sander onto his bed and if there’d been any nerves or doubts beforehand, the excitement and wonder from Sander’s smiling stare was enough to disintegrate them. It was only when Robbe had taken a brave step to kiss down his neck that Sander realised that he was still in his shoes and insisted on taking them off before going any further. With Robbe not wanting to miss a single second of holding Sander, and Sander wearing lace-up boots, this resulted in them falling off the bed in a tangled, giggling, lovesick mess, with Sander cursing his boots,

‘Stupid shoes!’

Once Robbe had given him a minute to take the stupid shoes off, they were back. Not wanting to waste any time not kissing each other, that was how they managed to pick themselves off of the floor and back onto the bed. This time it didn’t feel like a brave step into new territory but more of a ‘this is what I want to do next’. The kisses were slower now and whilst the urgency was still there, they were satisfied with taking their time now.

He placed gentle chaste kisses down Sander’s neck and chest, and when he reached the nipple level, he looked up, placing a hot kiss on his chest. Pure lust and passion was running through his veins, a feeling he never knew existed. When he had tried with Noor, everything felt like an obligation, something he had to do, just to get it over with. But with Sander, nothing felt obligatory.

Just as he began to feel a little at loss at what to do next, Sander flipped them over. It was his turn. And he was a boy who knew what he wanted and got it. After all, he’d gotten Robbe hadn’t he?

As he worked at shuffling his jeans off, Robbe briefly wondered whether it was worth mentioning that this was his first time. But when Sander had completely stripped down too, thoughts and words betrayed him. A beautiful boy was about to touch parts of him that no one else had touched. And he wanted that,  _ so much _ .

Neither one of them would have a clear, concise memory of what happened next. There were clasped hands, hair grabbing, hot bodies, and a lot of kissing. They couldn't get enough. They each took pleasure in glimpsing at the euphoric expressions on the other’s face, but when they reached the climax, they didn’t need eyes to see. Clinging on tightly, they could feel it.

'How was that?' Sander murmured into Robbe's ear. He rolled his head to face Sander, the big, lazy grin on his face answering the question. 

The two had collapsed onto the bed, panting. Then eventually made their way under the covers and into each other’s arms. Coherent thoughts were gradually making their way back to Robbe’s brain. He thought back a little to what’d just happened and remembered something he had wanted to say.

'It was my first time,' he finally admitted. Sander raised his eyebrows in wonder.

'Really? Not with Noor or…?' 

He shook his head.

'I tried to with Noor but… I couldn't… you know…' His eyes darted towards his feet and Sander was confused.

'You couldn't… take your shoes off?'

'No no! No um… I… I mean I wasn't into her. I couldn't…'

'Ah you couldn't… get it up? Get hard? Is that what you're saying?' Sander deduced with a smirk. Robbe nodded with a blush. That wasn't an experience he ever expected to tell anybody, let alone Sander. But there they were. Sander leant closer.

'And do I make you hard?' His eyes gazing at Robbe's lips flirtatiously. Robbe felt his heart beat fast and his stomach flip but managed to play it chill.

'I thought we just found that out.'

Sander shrugged, his fingers that'd been fiddling with Robbe's necklace chain, crawling up his neck.

'I mean I wouldn't mind clarification.'

Pushing him away was impossible. Literally.

'Not now. I barely have the energy to think,' he explained and Sander nodded, his arms around his chest tensing.

'We can just lie here?' he suggested. And so they did. Occasionally making the odd small talk, but mainly just lying in each others arms. The way they should've done 2 weeks ago. The way they should've been during these past 2 weeks. But they looked passed that - they were here with each other, and that's all that mattered.


	7. 16/12/19 Maandag 11:03

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OHN written down, with an aftermath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took me forever to write and I'm sure there's still bits I'm not happy with but it's going it out anyway. I played with switching the POV around from Robbe, Jens, and Sander so I hope that's all understandable. I've definitely still got ideas but it might be a while before the next one's out. As usual, comments and thoughts are greatly appreciated!  
> Open to suggestions! :)

16/12/19 Maandag 11:03

Exhausted was an understatement of physically how Robbe IJzermans was today. Not only had he barely slept in a week, but he’d also spent a good few hours the day before, cycling endlessly around the streets of Antwerp. It was the worry and abject fear of the worst that kept him awake and was the reason he was still able to walk in and out of class that morning. The fear that Sander was… That Sander had… He couldn’t even verbalise it in his head.

The bell rang at 11, and he met up with Jens. He’d obviously heard the news, from Robbe for a change. 

‘Any news?’ Jens asked as they started walking. Robbe shook his head, eyes anxiously glued to his phone that he kept refreshing every second. Normally Jens would’ve made a comment, but this was absolutely not the time. He had never seen Robbe this distressed, or distressed in this way. When stuff was going down with his parents, he’d either yell a bit, or just go a bit quiet. But this was different.

‘You really have no idea? And he isn’t at his parents either?’

‘No. I mean Britt told me he isn’t.’ Jens rolled his eyes.  _ Britt _ . ‘I don’t know where they live. I’m not in contact with them.’

He tried to think of a response. He really did. But he was split between being annoyed at Britt for fucking up yet another relationship, and trying to figure out what Robbe’s next step could be. But it seems Robbe’s brain was moving quicker.

‘Fuck Jens… What if he…’ The thought made him stop.

‘What?’

‘What if this time he…’ 

He instantly caught on to what he was insinuating and stepped in.

‘No no no! You can’t think about that right now,’ he tried reassuring his friend.

‘You never know.’

Jens let go. Robbe did have a point. But surely they would’ve heard something if the worst had happened?

‘You never know, but…’ he trailed off, wondering how to word his thoughts as they carried on walking.

‘You should’ve seen him there,’ Robbe was thinking aloud. ‘All wrapped up in-,’

‘This isn’t helping you now Robbe.’

To be honest, right now Jens didn’t know what’d help his best friend. But he was pretty sure that analysing every little detail wasn’t helpful. And then they heard it. A ping from Robbe’s phone. Jens turned around to see Robbe had stopped.

‘Is that a message?,’ he rushed over to see a new grey square with text underneath the previous blue ones. 

‘See, I told you!’ he said, nudging Robbe and trying to make light of it. He read the message, and whilst he couldn’t quite figure out what it meant, it seemed hopeful. Robbe didn’t hesitate to type out a reply.

‘It looks like he’s safe,’

‘Yeah, I hope,’ he replied, after hitting send. The way his voice broke at the end, Jens couldn’t deny the huge wave of sympathy that ran through him. He tried comforting him.

‘It’s a good sign.’

Another message came through:

**_Sander:_ ** _ I’m taking shelter until the meltdown’s over. Somewhere at a safe place… _

Robbe’s brain began unpicking the messages, trying to figure out what they might mean or any clues as to where Sander was. He reread the first message. Then the second. Then it hit him.  _ Chernobyl _ . It was a conversation, a scene that would never leave his memory. Describing the aftermath of their explosive first kiss as “Chernobyl”. 

His heart was working faster than his brain, directing his feet on where to go. Quickly muttering a ‘Sorry’ to Jens, he ran. He ran like he’d never run before, or like this was the last time he’d ever run again. He ran as if his life depended on it, because in some aspects, it did. Or at least one part did. The part that fell head over heels in love for a white-haired boy, somewhere alone in Antwerp, depended on this. 

By the time he reached his bike outside the school, the brain, heart, and feet had caught up.  _ The academy _ . It was where they’d found each other. It was where he’d taken the step to put his heart on show for all to see, just to win back the boy he loved. 

As he cycled, he began piecing things together. In their previous conversations, Sander liked to complain. He complained about the price of the food in the supermarket, certain food combinations, he complained about Britt, about the weather, about sand, about his bike, about the alcohol he’d bought the night of their first kiss. But the one thing he never complained about was his school. He’d mentioned how he genuinely enjoyed attending the school, even though he had been anxious at first, being the only one of his friends to not move out of Antwerp for university.

‘But if I did, it would’ve taken longer for us to meet,’ he’d said as they lay on Robbe’s bed in each other’s arms two Thursdays ago. The mere thought of that evening was enough for him to feel the pang in his eyes. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened after the shoe-setting for the Sint. They just laid on his bed, sometimes talking, sometimes kissing, sometimes listening to the outside world. The way he was held, the way he was kissed, the way he genuinely felt loved by someone he truly loved back. God he missed it.

He arrived at the bike park, by the spot.  _ The _ spot.

He wasn't there. Obviously. Robbe didn't know why a small part of his brain thought he would be. But there was no going back now. He walked into the school, retracing the steps he'd taken when he was last there to the large classroom. Memories of seeing Sander there, the way his heart beat, the way his head reeled, his words, 'You and I. One hundred percent. In every universe,', came trickling back as his gaze fell on what was either cleaning equipment, or a new art installation. He wasn't there. 

Robbe racked his brain to try and think about where else he'd be. A studio perhaps? That same Thursday evening, Sander had mentioned that due to the classes he was taking that year, he'd basically been given his own studio to work in - of which he couldn’t have been more grateful for.

Robbe wasted no time in walking back to the staircase. He noticed a directional sign on the landing and took a second to study it. Private studios started on the second floor so he supposed that was where he should start. And as he jogged up the stairs and began checking classrooms and studios, calling his name, the flood gates opened and memories truly came pouring in with no particular order. The time they'd cycled through the subway tunnel and the true freedom and lightness he felt. The way his heart skipped a beat when he looked over at his cycling partner, who's expression matched his own. 

The next studio made him remember their first kiss. The ice cold pool and the fire hot bodies. He remembered the desperation and the quickness, the way they were trying to get closer and kiss deeper, but also stay afloat. And the excitement of finally kissing someone he was truly into.

He slammed yet another empty studio door shut and tried another. This time just the mere sensation of being touched, being held by him was what played. The moment he let his thoughts ramble on about the multiverse theory, the moment they held each other in the daylight after he'd posted their picture on Instagram and Sander whispering 'I'm proud of you,' before peppering chaste kisses on his ear and neck, even the night Sander had run off in his mania, Robbe couldn't deny how at peace and in love he'd felt from the moment he'd been dragged up the stairs.

Another unsuccessful studio and Robbe was beginning to panic. He was running out of doors. The next one he tried unlocked the early memory of the croque. The moment, he vividly remembered, he fell. The moment he realised that Sander wasn't just another cute, nice boy. The moment he thought 'Fuck, not again'.

He was getting quicker and more desperate and more worried that the worst had truly happened. He noticed that there were only 3 doors left on that floor and despite being a fairly bespoke atheist, despite his conversations with Yasmina, despite all his thoughts on religion, he prayed. To whatever external prime mover that may have control over the world, he prayed. Robbe opened the next door and was fully prepared to slam it shut again when he realised what was in the room. No, who was in the room.

_ Sander _ . 

The boy was hunched over a desk on the far right side of the room. He was alive, and physically seemed okay. It wasn't until he'd looked over that Robbe realised he'd said his name aloud. He gently shut the door behind him, not sure what his next step was going to be but he needn't have worried. Because Sander knew what he had to do.

'What are you doing here? You have to leave,' he said as he rose from his stool and walked over to Robbe, trying to push him out of the room. 'You just have to fucking stay away from here.'

'Hey Sander-,'

When he realised that the door was closed and physically pushing Robbe wouldn't do any good, he returned back to his stool.

'Just stay away!'

The pushing, the expression on his face, what he said. Robbe was about to let the pain and frustration and all the feelings seep in, when he was asked again.

'Leave. Please.' 

It started out like a demand but the 'please' changed it. It was a plea. It was begging. And it wasn't begging him to leave. 

Robbe took a moment to look around the room to analyse the place he'd been found. There were drawings of him from all different angles and perspectives. There were developed photos, some he remembered being taken, some brand new. And there were drawings of some of their moments. When they were looking at each other or kissing each other. And these were plastered all around the walls. He let his gaze fall to the floor where he saw a sleeping bag. The image of Sander sleeping, or trying to sleep in a thin sleeping bag on the cold stone floor hurt. And adding all of this together, Robbe figured out what he had to do and began walking over.

'Just leave.' This one had less conviction.

'No,' he said, shaking his head. 'I'm not leaving.'

'Please,'

'I'm not leaving.' Robbe crouched at the corner of the desk. 

'You say that now,'

'I'll be saying it tomorrow as well,'

'I don't believe you,'

'It's the truth.'

Whilst Robbe was familiar in dealing with the lows of mental illnesses, particularly from his mum, this felt like a brand new experience. He knew that he'd have to reassure Sander many times, and that the doubt and disbelief wasn't all his fault. But he was otherwise at a loss.

'Fuck man, Sander…' he started, reaching out for his fist and pressing his fingers softly into the hand, wanting to make sure he wasn't dreaming. 'I was so worried.'

He gently rested his forehead against the fist as he felt the belated rush of relief run over.  _ He was alive. _ He placed a kiss on his knuckles.

'I thought that you… I thought that you had…' 

He still couldn't verbalise it. But he knew, despite the pain of seeing Sander like this, he was so happy that he was here and alive.

'I only cause problems,' Sander started and Robbe realised he probably shouldn't have expressed his worry that way. 'I'm toxic. Everything I touch… Everything I touch breaks.'

The words were painful to hear but they made Robbe more determined to show and prove to Sander the truth.

'That's not true,' Robbe said, voice barely above a whisper. He kept pressing his fingers into Sander's hand as if to try to nail his point home. He was about to carry on when he noticed Sander not quite being able to meet his eyes. What he wanted to say, he needed to say it face to face. He needed Sander to see his eyes when he said it.

'Look at me,' he whispered. 'Look at me.'

Sander turned his head. His eyes were glazed over and bloodshot but he looked.

'You touched me. And I've never felt anything like that.' He meant that with every bone in his body. Reconnecting on of his fingers to a knuckle, and with the same conviction, if not more,

'I love you.'

The words were foreign to his voice but so familiar to his mind. The amount of times he'd thought it over the past few weeks but never said it aloud. But he was almost glad that he'd been able to save those precious words for when he was absolutely sure and when they were needed most.

Sander's expression was illegible. He seemed to be trying to process the words but not responding. Until he dropped his head back down.

'You say that now,' Robbe briefly closed his eyes, rapidly thinking up of another way to get him to believe, 'But sooner or later, I'll hurt you again and you'll hate me-,'

'No no no,' Robbe interrupted, standing up from his crouched position. 'Not in this universe,’ he insisted.

Sander looked back up with a new look in his eyes. It was hope. Robbe carried on.

'Here I stay with you,' he promised. 'And what happens later, we'll deal with it then. Okay?'

Sander dropped his head again but now that Robbe had seen the hope, he wasn't letting it go. A plan was beginning to form in his head

'Come on,' he said, his hands sliding down to meet Sander's. 'Let's do something.' He took his other hand. 

'Come,' he said in a way that reminded the two of some of their first meetings. Slowly Sander began twisting in his stool.

'Come, Sander,' Robbe gently pulled him off of the stool.

'Come on,' he said as he directed them away from the desk. They finally stood facing each other.

'What?' Sander asked abruptly, instantly scolding himself for the harsh tone he'd used but Robbe didn't seem to hear or be affected by it.

'We're going to play a game. It's called "Sander and Robbe, minute by minute",'

'What are the rules?'

'The rules are that we aren't going to think "what if we ever" but "what if we in the next minute". Okay?'

'Okay.' The corners of Sander's lips pulled up a little. He smiled.  _ He smiled _ . Sander's smile and how easily he agreed, almost threw Robbe. He didn't expect to get through that quickly and the plan he'd made a minute ago hadn't gotten to this point. He was on his own and making it up now.

'In the next minute we're going to… kiss,' Robbe was nervous asking for this. Would kissing be too much? Would he even want to kiss? With no more plan, he'd just spoken from his heart.

'That's chill,'

A grin couldn't help but escape him as he repeated those words.

'That's chill.'

He waited a second. He wasn't sure what he was waiting for. But when Sander weakly leaned in a little, he remembered. He'd gotten so used to Sander leading their kisses that the subconscious part of his brain expected it this time as well. So he took a breath, reached up, and kissed him. It was soft and gentle with no further motives other than love. Trying to show Sander how much he loved him, if not through words then through kissing. 

And Sander responded. He kissed back with just as much love as before. The more they kissed, and the closer Robbe got, the more love and adoration and pure emotion poured out of him. The more he began to believe Robbe's words. And then the more he began to hate himself for fucking everything so many times, for not trusting his love. It was too much and when Robbe hooked his arms onto Sander's shoulders, he couldn't carry on. The muscles in his lips refused to return to a pout. But instead of pushing away as he was so used to doing, Sander decided to take a step and lean into him. His head fell into the crook of his neck and he cried, not even waiting for Robbe to respond. For a second, the arms dropped and he panicked. But as soon as they had dropped, they came right back, pulling him in even closer. For once, instead of being pushed away or left alone, someone was holding him tight and letting him feel. 

'It's okay. I'm here,' Robbe whispered as the tears poured. He barely noticed when they sank to the ground. He wasn't sinking to the ground, he was sinking into Robbe. The embrace was sorrowful, thankful, and loving all at the same time from both bodies. Sorry for the fuck ups, thanks for being here alive, and love. Just honest love.

'I'm so happy I found you.'

Robbe meant this in two ways. The first, expressing gratitude to the gods, to fate, to art, to Sander, whatever it was, that Sander was alive and physically okay. The second referring to Sander waltzing into his life 2 months ago and completely flipping his world upside down.

He sat on the floor of the art studio, clutching the boy who'd changed his life as close as possible. Every sob broke his heart. Every time Sander's arms around him tensed, Robbe simply reciprocated, trying to communicate that he wasn't going anywhere.

They sat for a while. It was at least a good 10 minutes or so before Sander's sobs began to diminish and a further half hour before his breathing returned back to normal. And Robbe stayed throughout, whispering messages of reassurance every now and again, and occasionally rocking them back and forth comfortingly. It wasn't until his phone buzzed in his pocket that he remembered where he was.

**_Jens_ ** _ : Is everything okay dude? _

Robbe couldn't help but smile a little at the time and that Jens was probably texting him during class but he appreciated it. He quickly sent a thumbs up emoji before putting his phone away. 

'Sander?' Robbe started, testing the waters with his voice and with how Sander was now. He tried again a little louder.

'Sander.'

Sander quietly hummed to show he was listening. Robbe carefully prompted him to lift his head so they could see each other. His eyes were glazed and bloodshot, his cheeks red and tear stained. Robbe lightly brushed a thumb across the right cheek.

‘Do you want to go home?’

Without missing a beat, Sander shook his head. Then Robbe realised he hadn’t been too clear.

‘I mean with me? To my place?’

Desperate eyes met his own for a moment, before he nodded. He looked exhausted, visibly exhausted. The dark hollows were deeper than the last time he’d seen this expression and his eyes were beginning to flutter. 

‘Do you need anything from here?’

He slowly gave one nod.

‘My bag,’ he croaked out in the smallest voice. Robbe spotted a familiar bag duffel sack by the table so he began to shift.

‘What about the sleeping bag? Are we taking it?’

Sander simply shook his head. Robbe, once he was certain Sander was okay alone for a few minutes, he stood up, untangling himself from the boy. He quickly folded up the sleeping bag before heading over to the desk. At this point he allowed himself to look again at all the drawings and photos of him around the room. Some of the photos he remembered, some he didn’t. But all the moments had been drawn from a perspective he’d never even considered. As if they were being gazed upon by silent strangers. They were beautiful.

‘Do you want to take any of these?’ he asked, referring to the entire collection. To his surprise, Sander shook his head with no explanation. He decided not to push it and picked up the bag.

‘You ready?’

Hand in hand, fingers interlocked, they left the studio. Sander seemed completely unfazed by the few odd stares and Robbe did his best to ignore them. During this time, he debated whether to get his bike now or later when Sander was a little more settled. But after one glance over, he decided on the former, knowing that he wouldn't be able to leave Sander's side. At least not today. So as they exited, Sander was understandably confused when Robbe pulled them in the opposite direction.

'I've got to get my bike,' he explained.

As they stood in the bike park, memories of what they liked to call their "second first kiss" came flooding back. How nervous and panicked Robbe had been when he was confronted, the frustration of not being able express a proper apology, the anxiety when the boy he'd fallen for began walking towards him, the desperation for a kiss when he leaned in, and the jolt of content when he realised he'd just been kissed. The one that followed had been soft and innocent and warm, and he knew he’d give anything to be kissed like that again.

He unlocked and pulled his bike out before he paused with a look of confusion which morphed into frustration.

'What's wrong?' Sander asked. Robbe screwed his lips to one side and blushed a little.

'I just realised if I'm pushing this home, I can't hold your hand.'

It was the right thing to say. Sander's lips formed a smile. A  _ smile _ . A small but proper smile that reached the outer corners of his eyes. It was the second one in that hour. If all it took was voicing a dumb thought to see that smile, Robbe thought, then he'd do it more often.

Sander then placed his hand gently on top of Robbe's on one of the handlebars.

'Does this work?'

He let a small grin through.

'I suppose it'll do.'

When they arrived just outside the flat, once his bike was locked up, Robbe wasted no time in taking hold of the hand he desperately wanted to hold. He hadn't been able to text Milan or Senne to see if they were home so called out once they got in. Silence.

'What do you need?' Robbe asked once they'd taken off their shoes and hung up coats. Sander paused for a moment, taking in the moment. When he opened his eyes, Robbe was still there.

'Can I take a shower?' he asked tentatively.

'Sure.'

He led him down the hallway to the bathroom, picking out a clean towel from the cupboard in the kitchen. He explained how the shower worked and to use any products that weren't Zoë's.

'Well not now. I'm sure if you asked her she wouldn't mind.'

Another smile.

'Do… Are you okay on your own?' Robbe asked nervously, not wanting to sound patronising but at the same time wanting reassurance. Sander thought for a moment before nodding.

'Okay. I'll be in my room,' and once he was happy Sander would survive the shower, he gently closed the bathroom door and got to work. First was to find a change of clothes for him. Given Robbe's small wardrobe, this wasn't a difficult task. Next was to make the bed, which meant straightening out the sheets and duvet, and arranging the pillows comfortably. He checked the time - only 5 minutes had passed. It didn't take a minute of wondering what to do next before his legs were dragging him to the kitchen with an idea. Whether Sander was in the mood to eat or not he wasn't sure. But he figured being prepared didn't hurt. And he also wanted to keep his brain occupied. He knew he should probably text Jens a proper answer, and the memory of promising Britt some communication briefly passed through his mind. But not now.

Pulling out some cheese, ham, and butter from the fridge, he recast his memory back to the first day they met, attempting to recall how Sander had made the "best croque ever". He distinctly remembered how he cut the crusts off and buttered both sides of the bread and so he followed suit. He was so invested in his cooking that he didn't hear the shower stop, nor Sander quietly padding into the kitchen. It wasn't until the blond boy hooked his arms from behind his waist and rested his head on his shoulder, that he realised.

'Hey,' 

'What are you making?' Sander hummed into his neck.

'The best croque ever. Are you hungry?'

Sander sighed, and the weight on Robbe's right shoulder grew heavier.

'Do you want to sleep?'

The weight on his shoulder nodded so he turned off the heat and moved the pan to the back of the stove.

'Okay, come on,' and taking his hand, Robbe led him back to his room. He was about to offer the spare clothes but one look at Sander's drooping eyes was enough to tell him that all he needed was sleep. 

Once Sander seemed settled, Robbe climbed into bed after him and carefully made sure there was a comfortable amount of space between them, just in case. Sander's eyes were fluttering but he for some reason refused to close them. Nervously, Robbe raised his hand and rested it on Sander’s cheek. Instantly his eyes shut, cherishing the touch. A moment or two, he slowly opened his eyes again.

‘You’re so far away,’ he murmured, almost inaudibly, but Robbe took this as his cue to shuffle closer and engulf Sander with his arms.

‘Is this better?’ he asked once they’d stopped shuffling. He got a hummed response. Glancing down he noticed Sander, eyes shut and finally resting in his arms. Robbe couldn’t help but let out a large sigh. He allowed his body fully relax and his mind to gently let in the feelings he’d been holding back. A few tears came. Tears of happiness, of gladness that it was over. That the dark clouds he’d been living under for longer than he cared to think, were finally clearing. He was in love with the boy in his arms. And that was all that mattered. This caused him to hold Sander tighter and place a chaste kiss on his forehead.

In that moment, he truly began to understand when people talk about light at the end of the tunnel. The afternoon December light was shyly shining through the window and everything just felt so much lighter. There was a way to go, of course, but they were in the clear now. They just had to walk.

And with that finishing thought, Robbe found his eyelids grow heavier and heavier, his body melting into the mattress as he fell asleep with the boy in his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last one in this series but I will still be writing one off stuff. Thanks for sticking! :)


End file.
